confusion

Well here I am starting back up again. I look back into my life, sometimes too much, and think how did I do that or how did I survive that. Has to be someone watching out for me. But who? God? Angels? My grandma that passed? Deep down I struggle with whats wrong or right, but yet I know. So why am I confused? Why won't I take a step or 2 or 3? What could happen? Its the unknown that scares me. What's out there? Good? Evil? Or both? Why am I afraid? Nothing scares me. I'm beyond brave and bold. So where does this leave me? Empty? Full?

Not sure....

Well here I am once again. Not exactly sure how to start but I figured once I started blogging words would flow. I've been doing the days of thankfulness on facebook this month. Honestly there is so much for me to be thankful for that I have no clue where to start. Actually I started with God because of course without Him nothing else would have fallen into my thankfulness category. I've been up since 2am battling not only physical pain but emotional as well. Bipolar decided to show its ugly self. But I now know how to battle it without getting out of control. That in itself is something for me to be thankful for. I wrestled with sleep last night literally because the couch I was sleeping on seemed to be made of rocks. I tossed one side to the other. I walked the floor. I cried. I prayed. I laid at one end then the other. I even thought I would try sleeping in the bathtub but that probably would not have been a great idea with or without bubbles. I'm not sure whether to scream, run in a circle, run around the block, cry, try to sleep. So many choices but none of them seem to grab my mind. I spent a lot of time with God this morning begging for relief. He allows us those bad times so when the good comes it will be more appreciated. After all how would we know true Grace and Mercy unless we have ever screwed up and needed it? Just a question to think about. My battle at present is medication. I went to the Dr about my fight with the bipolar. I use to say my bipolar but now I don't claim it as mine personally. I don't want to continue to speak it upon my life. After all nothing is really ours to begin with is it? Anyways back to medicine. I would be lying if I said I'm not struggling to get leveled out. But God has given me not only Himself but Drs, close friends, a pastor and his wife, and myself as tools for fighting this. Along the way I have gained wisdom. I know when cycling starts but in the past I didn't know until it hit me. I handle it with calling those I need to. I allow the medicines to be tweaked when needed and these past 2 weeks I have needed that to happen. I can honestly say I will be ok. God has given me what I need to walk through this fight. They will come and go and I have no control over them but I've learned to not get all out of control to where I am self injuring, talking about suicide, or even having to be put in the hospital. I'm praying that this will always be so. Things are different now. I have a very strong relationship with The Lord now and I have allowed myself a support system to also help talk me through and be honest with me and kick my butt when I need it. I no longer run to alcohol to cover up my feelings but I do allow myself to feel them and work through them before they become too severe. The Bible says that He will fight for us. But we need to let Him. We CAN'T do it alone. We not only need agod but He places those in our lives in whom He thinks we need at that time. I'm thankful to all who support me and love me through all my struggles with this. I am sooooo Blessed with a great support system.

A little bit here

Well I thought today would be a great day to talk about bipolar and what ever else comes to mind as I am typing this. As a bipolar person myself I know the ups and downs others may experience. I take several medication. The doses and amounts I am on at present have been the same with positive results for several years now. I am not saying that I don't battle the bipolar because that would be a lie. But they aren't as intense as they once were in which many times I ended up in the hospital. Not fun let me tell you. But at least I was safe (and others too lol). Had to throw that in there. It was free. I've went through many medication changes which there again I was in the hospital for. The darkness of the depression I struggled with was so severe that at times when I opened my eyes I thought I had become blind because I could literally see a darkness from where I was at. I felt trapped in this. I thought the only way out was death because I didn't think death would be as bad as that. I was afraid to be around anyone because I didn't want them to see me struggle. Yet I needed someone to rescue me. But who I would wonder? I didn't know God at the onset of this keep that in mind. I can only put some into words on what the darkness was really like. I cried myself to sleep full of so much fear. I thought this is it I'm stuck and I will never come out and be Christie again. But I would. These depressive episodes lasted longer than the manic. With the down mood I would isolate. I would stay in bed and not eat for days. I would go weeks without bathing. I would wear the same clothes for days. My hygeine was awful. I was too depressed to kill myself. Yes that's possible because it takes effort to kill yourself. Or in my case try to kill myself. Deep down I didn't want to die because I feared death. I wanted all the darkness to go away. I would wake myself up screaming because I was terrified to be asleep because my dreams were horrible. I tried to self injure and that became an addiction along with the alcohol I was already consuming whenever I could. I hated myself and I hated everyone else. I was afraid to leave my house because I was sure a demon was outside waiting to jump on me and torture me to the point of death. I would sit on my bed in the corner rocking back and forth because I would see bodies coming through the ceiling. I couldn't bathe because I thought that blood would come through the pipes from dead bodies being stuffed in there. This was the worst fear I ever experienced. I even lived in fear of another episode. I was terrified of the depressive state. I would make myself throw up because I thought if I did the evil would leave my body. The sickness and disease and all would leave. This is just a surface of what I went through with that. Words really can't express what the mind does not understand. How can you explain something to someone when you yourself can't understand it yourself? I'm so thankful that I don't sink this deep anymore. I do get depressed and struggle but I have made up my mind that I will NOT be defeated in this never ending war. I may not always win the battle but the war is not over yet. God has truly been the biggest help. God has brought me out of a pit so deep that I thought I was actually living in hell itself. I still pray and ask God to heal me of the bipolar. I won't lie and say I don't question Him because I'm human so I do. BUT here's the thing I still trust Him to carry me through the storm and raging battle. He has never left my side. I know its only because of Him that I honestly never lost my mind. He had a hold of me. When I didn't know it. He gave me that tiny tiny tiny light that I needed to see to bring me out. I am thankful for a right mind. I Praise Him for it. I also knew I had people praying for me even when they had no clue what was going on with me. That helped bring me through also.

Title issues

I laid here awake all night except for the 4 hours in the ER but that's beside the point. Honestly I've struggled with a sense of belonging. Yet I am very outgoing. I'm a people person. Yet I've found myself to be a people pleaser a lot of the times. Most of that stems from my mom's perfectionism. I was afraid to breath in her house or in the car. I was afraid of making a fingerprint on something. Anyhow back to my laying here. God is the only one we have to please. Why do we feel like He's not important enough to us for us to simply ask Him is this what I need to do. We make it so hard on ourselves and beat our selfs up over the wrong shoes, wrong outfit, our hair being worn a certain way. Why? I don't know you tell me. I myself have struggled with that and I still do. I look around church thinking wow everyone is dressed so up their hair is perfect. But then I ask myself what's going on in the inside. Do they dress that way because they really do feel good about themselves and their lives? Or are they hurting so bad that the outward look is a mask of what is really going on in the inside? We can't judge people by saying they are so pretty and well kept together. I mean, are they really? It does matter to God how to dress with modesty, but its even more important to Him how we feel inside. Do you think we should hide in shame or decide to overcome things. "Behold I have overcome the world" God says. Who are we to say that we can't when He has given us the only tool we will need. The BIBLE!!!!! We don't need to have alcohol, drugs, food, sex, pornography, etc. Try looking in the mirror just once and say "hi beautiful you look great today". Then go do something nice for yourself. It doesn't matter what you think about you. It only matters what God thinks of you. He loves us unconditionally!!!!!!!! Isn't that kind of love amazing? So with that I will close by saying you are beautiful whoever you are.

Continued

Well here I am once again. Sitting here thinking about how much God has truly done for me. So back to my story....I was Blessed with a wondeful grandma. She meant the world to me. She helped me along in finding out who I am. She planted a seed and through the years it has been watered here and there by several people that were brought into my life. I loved this wondeful woman of God and was proud to be her grand daughter. I know I gave her a hard time with the ways I were living. She never stopped loving me. Through her I learned what unconditional love was really about. She never turned me away no matter what shape I was in. She would always say I still love you Chris. At times I would cry myself to sleep not understanding why she would love a horrible person like me. I didn't know what to say to her. When she was diagnosed with cancer I prayed so hard that God would heal her. Sadly He didn't and she passed away. I had never lost anyone that close to me so I closed up and starting popping pills and cutting again. I was so mad at God for taking away the only person that I felt loved me. I had MaKayla during the time of my grandmas death. The poor little thing had to deal with me and my depression. (Another story). I think about my grandma on a daily basis and I have a picture of her and my grandpa on my tv stand so I can look at her daily. I smile a lot yet also cry a lot. She was very funny. She always had me laughing to the point of tears. We shopped together. We went out to eat. We played Scrabble and Uno. It was funny with Scrabble because being from Kentucky she had her own ideas of how to say and spell a word. It kept us laughing all the time. She gave me a place of refuge and rest when I had no where to go. She battled the devil over my soul I'm sure on a daily basis. How I long to see her now. I want her to see the woman I have become. I want her to see me singing in the choir. She loved to hear me sing and I loved singing with her as well. I want her to see the new me. I want her to see how the old me is long gone but not forgotten. I still love her and miss her with everything that is within me. I know without a doubt that she watches over me now with a smile on her face. I would love to hug her one more time. But that day will come when we can both worship for all eternally to a God that is the only true God. Save me a seat grandma. Love you and see you soon.

Hmmmmmm......

I have decided to start blogging. A lot of times I have a lot to say. Other days I could care less about speaking. I believe has placed in my life the strong ability to write. He gives me many things that are aha moments. The biggest aha is when He told me I needed delivered from myself. I use to be one of the biggest drama queens. If it wasn't about me then it didn't matter to me. I felt I had to grab the attention of others to survive. I felt that people only loved me conditionally so I would try to push and push and when someone walked away I was like yep I knew it. I don't want to blame the enviroment that I grew up in for everything but I know it held a big part in my issues. I was self destructing in front of everyone. I was constantly suicidal and self injuring. I wanted to hurt myself because that is the only way I could "feel better". But did I? Nope I hated myself even more. I was completely empty, lost, lonely, hurting, depressed, angry and more. I was not raised in church so I didn't have understanding of who God was. I was 19 when I found out about God but I didn't actually know Him. I had a grandma that prayed for me. She stayed awake at night while I ran the streets drinking, doing drugs. A lot of times I didn't know where I was or who I was with and didn't even know how I got there. I hit rock bottom so many times. But there was someone inside me that had fight in her. That never gave up and that knew deep inside that she was doing everything wrong and nothing right. My hurt was so deep. Some inflicted by others and some inflicted on myself. I didn't feel I deserved to even live. But one day I thought I wanted God only to rescue me from things but I didn't know at the time I needed Him to rescue me from the biggest problem of all....ME. to be cont....