Continued

Well here I am once again. Sitting here thinking about how much God has truly done for me. So back to my story....I was Blessed with a wondeful grandma. She meant the world to me. She helped me along in finding out who I am. She planted a seed and through the years it has been watered here and there by several people that were brought into my life. I loved this wondeful woman of God and was proud to be her grand daughter. I know I gave her a hard time with the ways I were living. She never stopped loving me. Through her I learned what unconditional love was really about. She never turned me away no matter what shape I was in. She would always say I still love you Chris. At times I would cry myself to sleep not understanding why she would love a horrible person like me. I didn't know what to say to her. When she was diagnosed with cancer I prayed so hard that God would heal her. Sadly He didn't and she passed away. I had never lost anyone that close to me so I closed up and starting popping pills and cutting again. I was so mad at God for taking away the only person that I felt loved me. I had MaKayla during the time of my grandmas death. The poor little thing had to deal with me and my depression. (Another story). I think about my grandma on a daily basis and I have a picture of her and my grandpa on my tv stand so I can look at her daily. I smile a lot yet also cry a lot. She was very funny. She always had me laughing to the point of tears. We shopped together. We went out to eat. We played Scrabble and Uno. It was funny with Scrabble because being from Kentucky she had her own ideas of how to say and spell a word. It kept us laughing all the time. She gave me a place of refuge and rest when I had no where to go. She battled the devil over my soul I'm sure on a daily basis. How I long to see her now. I want her to see the woman I have become. I want her to see me singing in the choir. She loved to hear me sing and I loved singing with her as well. I want her to see the new me. I want her to see how the old me is long gone but not forgotten. I still love her and miss her with everything that is within me. I know without a doubt that she watches over me now with a smile on her face. I would love to hug her one more time. But that day will come when we can both worship for all eternally to a God that is the only true God. Save me a seat grandma. Love you and see you soon.

Hmmmmmm......

I have decided to start blogging. A lot of times I have a lot to say. Other days I could care less about speaking. I believe has placed in my life the strong ability to write. He gives me many things that are aha moments. The biggest aha is when He told me I needed delivered from myself. I use to be one of the biggest drama queens. If it wasn't about me then it didn't matter to me. I felt I had to grab the attention of others to survive. I felt that people only loved me conditionally so I would try to push and push and when someone walked away I was like yep I knew it. I don't want to blame the enviroment that I grew up in for everything but I know it held a big part in my issues. I was self destructing in front of everyone. I was constantly suicidal and self injuring. I wanted to hurt myself because that is the only way I could "feel better". But did I? Nope I hated myself even more. I was completely empty, lost, lonely, hurting, depressed, angry and more. I was not raised in church so I didn't have understanding of who God was. I was 19 when I found out about God but I didn't actually know Him. I had a grandma that prayed for me. She stayed awake at night while I ran the streets drinking, doing drugs. A lot of times I didn't know where I was or who I was with and didn't even know how I got there. I hit rock bottom so many times. But there was someone inside me that had fight in her. That never gave up and that knew deep inside that she was doing everything wrong and nothing right. My hurt was so deep. Some inflicted by others and some inflicted on myself. I didn't feel I deserved to even live. But one day I thought I wanted God only to rescue me from things but I didn't know at the time I needed Him to rescue me from the biggest problem of all....ME. to be cont....