Hmmmmmm......

I have decided to start blogging. A lot of times I have a lot to say. Other days I could care less about speaking. I believe has placed in my life the strong ability to write. He gives me many things that are aha moments. The biggest aha is when He told me I needed delivered from myself. I use to be one of the biggest drama queens. If it wasn't about me then it didn't matter to me. I felt I had to grab the attention of others to survive. I felt that people only loved me conditionally so I would try to push and push and when someone walked away I was like yep I knew it. I don't want to blame the enviroment that I grew up in for everything but I know it held a big part in my issues. I was self destructing in front of everyone. I was constantly suicidal and self injuring. I wanted to hurt myself because that is the only way I could "feel better". But did I? Nope I hated myself even more. I was completely empty, lost, lonely, hurting, depressed, angry and more. I was not raised in church so I didn't have understanding of who God was. I was 19 when I found out about God but I didn't actually know Him. I had a grandma that prayed for me. She stayed awake at night while I ran the streets drinking, doing drugs. A lot of times I didn't know where I was or who I was with and didn't even know how I got there. I hit rock bottom so many times. But there was someone inside me that had fight in her. That never gave up and that knew deep inside that she was doing everything wrong and nothing right. My hurt was so deep. Some inflicted by others and some inflicted on myself. I didn't feel I deserved to even live. But one day I thought I wanted God only to rescue me from things but I didn't know at the time I needed Him to rescue me from the biggest problem of all....ME. to be cont....