A little bit here

Well I thought today would be a great day to talk about bipolar and what ever else comes to mind as I am typing this. As a bipolar person myself I know the ups and downs others may experience. I take several medication. The doses and amounts I am on at present have been the same with positive results for several years now. I am not saying that I don't battle the bipolar because that would be a lie. But they aren't as intense as they once were in which many times I ended up in the hospital. Not fun let me tell you. But at least I was safe (and others too lol). Had to throw that in there. It was free. I've went through many medication changes which there again I was in the hospital for. The darkness of the depression I struggled with was so severe that at times when I opened my eyes I thought I had become blind because I could literally see a darkness from where I was at. I felt trapped in this. I thought the only way out was death because I didn't think death would be as bad as that. I was afraid to be around anyone because I didn't want them to see me struggle. Yet I needed someone to rescue me. But who I would wonder? I didn't know God at the onset of this keep that in mind. I can only put some into words on what the darkness was really like. I cried myself to sleep full of so much fear. I thought this is it I'm stuck and I will never come out and be Christie again. But I would. These depressive episodes lasted longer than the manic. With the down mood I would isolate. I would stay in bed and not eat for days. I would go weeks without bathing. I would wear the same clothes for days. My hygeine was awful. I was too depressed to kill myself. Yes that's possible because it takes effort to kill yourself. Or in my case try to kill myself. Deep down I didn't want to die because I feared death. I wanted all the darkness to go away. I would wake myself up screaming because I was terrified to be asleep because my dreams were horrible. I tried to self injure and that became an addiction along with the alcohol I was already consuming whenever I could. I hated myself and I hated everyone else. I was afraid to leave my house because I was sure a demon was outside waiting to jump on me and torture me to the point of death. I would sit on my bed in the corner rocking back and forth because I would see bodies coming through the ceiling. I couldn't bathe because I thought that blood would come through the pipes from dead bodies being stuffed in there. This was the worst fear I ever experienced. I even lived in fear of another episode. I was terrified of the depressive state. I would make myself throw up because I thought if I did the evil would leave my body. The sickness and disease and all would leave. This is just a surface of what I went through with that. Words really can't express what the mind does not understand. How can you explain something to someone when you yourself can't understand it yourself? I'm so thankful that I don't sink this deep anymore. I do get depressed and struggle but I have made up my mind that I will NOT be defeated in this never ending war. I may not always win the battle but the war is not over yet. God has truly been the biggest help. God has brought me out of a pit so deep that I thought I was actually living in hell itself. I still pray and ask God to heal me of the bipolar. I won't lie and say I don't question Him because I'm human so I do. BUT here's the thing I still trust Him to carry me through the storm and raging battle. He has never left my side. I know its only because of Him that I honestly never lost my mind. He had a hold of me. When I didn't know it. He gave me that tiny tiny tiny light that I needed to see to bring me out. I am thankful for a right mind. I Praise Him for it. I also knew I had people praying for me even when they had no clue what was going on with me. That helped bring me through also.