Well here I am once again. Not exactly sure how to start but I figured once I started blogging words would flow. I've been doing the days of thankfulness on facebook this month. Honestly there is so much for me to be thankful for that I have no clue where to start. Actually I started with God because of course without Him nothing else would have fallen into my thankfulness category. I've been up since 2am battling not only physical pain but emotional as well. Bipolar decided to show its ugly self. But I now know how to battle it without getting out of control. That in itself is something for me to be thankful for. I wrestled with sleep last night literally because the couch I was sleeping on seemed to be made of rocks. I tossed one side to the other. I walked the floor. I cried. I prayed. I laid at one end then the other. I even thought I would try sleeping in the bathtub but that probably would not have been a great idea with or without bubbles. I'm not sure whether to scream, run in a circle, run around the block, cry, try to sleep. So many choices but none of them seem to grab my mind. I spent a lot of time with God this morning begging for relief. He allows us those bad times so when the good comes it will be more appreciated. After all how would we know true Grace and Mercy unless we have ever screwed up and needed it? Just a question to think about. My battle at present is medication. I went to the Dr about my fight with the bipolar. I use to say my bipolar but now I don't claim it as mine personally. I don't want to continue to speak it upon my life. After all nothing is really ours to begin with is it? Anyways back to medicine. I would be lying if I said I'm not struggling to get leveled out. But God has given me not only Himself but Drs, close friends, a pastor and his wife, and myself as tools for fighting this. Along the way I have gained wisdom. I know when cycling starts but in the past I didn't know until it hit me. I handle it with calling those I need to. I allow the medicines to be tweaked when needed and these past 2 weeks I have needed that to happen. I can honestly say I will be ok. God has given me what I need to walk through this fight. They will come and go and I have no control over them but I've learned to not get all out of control to where I am self injuring, talking about suicide, or even having to be put in the hospital. I'm praying that this will always be so. Things are different now. I have a very strong relationship with The Lord now and I have allowed myself a support system to also help talk me through and be honest with me and kick my butt when I need it. I no longer run to alcohol to cover up my feelings but I do allow myself to feel them and work through them before they become too severe. The Bible says that He will fight for us. But we need to let Him. We CAN'T do it alone. We not only need agod but He places those in our lives in whom He thinks we need at that time. I'm thankful to all who support me and love me through all my struggles with this. I am sooooo Blessed with a great support system.
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